Soar Torian Soar. Four Year Anniversary- Grieving Mother Series- Dec. 27th, 2019


Tiny - Posted on 04 February 2020

The phone rang. It was Momo. She said my brother had made it to her house. It was the first time in a year and a half he had surfaced. Praise God. my mother's prayers have been answered. 
 
I was attending a Black version of The Nutcracker at Castlemont High School it was there towards the end where I would find my phone to be buzzing. I almost was embarrassed but it happens. I almost didn't answer the call. I am so grateful that I did. I had to make the decision to leave immediately so that I could be reunited with my brother. My baby brother.
 
Ironically after the Black version of The Nutcracker we were to go and pay homage to my son Torian Dajour' Hughes. Torian has his name painted on the pavement covered over and blue clouds and a sun. If you look just right you can see his name. 
 
This was the first time I personally put down some candles for my son. This year marked the four year anniversary. This year, as every year, is very different. But this year not only did I feel like doing a vigil, I was supported in the process with special extended family who I love.
 
I don't know maybe because this year I was a little more open, maybe I manifested the next thing I'm about to say cuz after I found my brother Chucky we were able to eat together as a family which we haven't done in a very long time. Coming back from supper I get a phone call and this phone call is my sister Tisha Caldwell calling me to say some young men and women were trying to get in touch with me to let me know that Torian is not forgotten and in fact they are celebrating him and would love for me to come and be a part along with his brothers. It feels like a gift that Torian has his hands in. 
 
Seven minutes to my arrival I got another call stating the police are busting up the vigil and it was imperative that I get there quickly. My family and I push the pedal to the metal. Three cars deep we follow each other. Once I got there I was panicked and relieved all in the same breath. There were some young adults still committed, the others were forced to flee unfortunately and I cast no judgement .I am simply grateful.
 
There was a collage of throw up piles of multicolored regurgitated who knows. What was clear to me someone was taking it pretty (heart) hard …
 
For the first time I was showered with stories and caps, jokes, sweet memories and secrets of my beloved. I smiled as my heart filled up with pure joy. I don't know why it made me so happy but it did. Secretly in my heart I guess to me it meant someone other than me is thinking about who Torian was and Still Remains to be through his energy that will never die because I gave him the gift of having a personal relationship with the Great I Am that I am which led him to Salvation and for this too I am grateful. One young man said about 50 candles that's at least $50 or more I looked to see if anything other than candles were placed. Underground there wasn't only candles red yellow blue white one young lady yells you see the colors you see the colors we picked. I remember when T had these color rubber bands in his hair all over do you remember. Sadly I didn't but I was glad to know she did. Hopefully we'll jar a memory but if not I got this memory and it really means a lot. My eyes begin to well up with tears. 
 
These young folks have been trying to cope with the loss of their dear friend as I have been trying to cope with the loss of my first born child. Where did they come from? I only recognize one girl but they recognize me and his little brothers. And I mean down to the detail. They notice that Amir had cut his dreads off Instantly when he went to talk. They notice the bass in his voice as he leaned in to shake hands and embrace them. They notice his posture and strength in his stance. It reminded me of Torian. I manage to push through my wind pipes, Amir is 16 years old now y'all. The crowd went wild. More embracing sounds of laughter hit the four corners of the outside structure boomerang back into my ear. My soul was pierced and a part answered my mourning and grieving and a part of my triggers. I suddenly felt like it was shedding in this one moment this one instant the shackles are being taken off of me I feel lighter the weight is not as intense.
 
To my surprise this is the release I needed. The shedding of old skin coming into new skin. Hearing those stories and memories, jokes and laughter was just the medicine and antidote a grieving mother needed. The strength it's giving me goes beyond the description of words. In that moment I'm able To Release And Let Go ... I was able to Embrace All of 2016 2017 2018 And All of 2019 ... Now I Am Ready to Step into 2020 ... Soartoriansoar I Love You Son ... It's A New Chapter ... AudreyCandyCorn Grieving Breathing Mother ... 

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